Scar Tissue & Rotten Apples- The Confusing Process of Forgetting the Person that Tore Your Heart in Two

I watched a Horrible movie tonight.
Not horrible in a way that would fit into the typical movie critics formula.
HORRIBLE because it just personally made me feel absolutely & utterly miserable.

Which Movie this was & the mundane details of it are completely unnecessary to this post.
What does matter is the realization birthed by this film & that is the fact that
I am finally forgetting you...
NO, not in the common 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless bla bla bla easy way out' way that everyone hopes will happen if they have had their heart ripped out & run through the garbage disposal.
You are ACTUALLY fading from my memory.... & with a quickness.
Thats right... disappearing.... vaporizing into thin air.
Yet, I am completely aware that this is the case.
It's as if I am watching it happen from another room and god, is it terrifying.

I now find myself concentrating wholeheartedly just to remember the sound of your voice, the shape of your face or the way I once felt in your presence.
I am becoming more and more confused by the minute at the way I feel.
Did you even exist at all?
Why do I still feel this way?
A process reminiscent of the pattern one's brain runs through when trying to recall a word on the tip of their tongue or sing the next lyric to a song from their childhood.
It is not unlike a dream in which the details are hazy....the feelings of familiarity remain... yet pieces, vibrant & crucial pieces are missing.... like re-watching that HORRIBLE movie on a fuzzy, black and white television. Lackluster & bland at best.

Remember the scene in the Walt Disney version of Peter Pan where the viewers were encouraged to fervently clap their hands together so that poor little Tinker Bell could go from being a dim flicker of light & magically morph back into her rightful glittering, fairy persona?
You are what would have happened had no one clapped.

We all know about heartbreak, loneliness, longing, desertion & rejection.
I can hum each and every bar to the entire symphony myself...
but what of this new unchartered territory
where I can barely hang on to the memories that led to my own ultimate demise?
This magic trick has failed & i am still sawed in two
The audience has left.
They are going to call tomorrow & want their money back.
There was nothing to see here in the first place.
IT WAS ALL A MISTAKE.
All smoke & mirrors.
Now, a mere bloody torso remains.
Who is gonna clean up this mess?
Here is a paper bag to puke into.

For god's good sake....I wish I did not care.
Honey, believe me.... you. aint. worth. it.
In FACT, I don't think I ever once consciously chose to LOVE you any more then a paraplegic chooses to have useless limbs.

I used to view my love for you as an 'addiction to fight' or a 'death to be mourned'.
Now i see it more as an incurable disease that just keeps progressing.
The very thing that once awakened an unknown organ inside of me or perhaps wired my third eye open has in it's wake left permanent side effects & caused irrefutable damage.

You picked that apple off that tree and threw it as hard as you could against the concrete sidewalk and then you picked it up and did it again and again.

Love’s Not the Way to Treat a Friend by Richard Brautigan

Love’s not the way to treat a friend.

I wouldn’t wish that on you. I don’t
want to see your eyes forgotten
on a rainy day, lost in the endless purse
of those who can remember nothing.

Love’s not the way to treat a friend.
I don’t want to see you end up that way
with your body being poured like wounded
marble into the architecture of those who make
bridges out of crippled birds.

Love’s not the way to treat a friend.
There are so many better things for you
than to see your feelings sold
as magic lanterns to somebody whose body
casts no light.

thanks Lucy Loo.

xo

Fuck You February 14th- I Need No More Reminders That Love is Most Often a Lie!

The way i see it is... that most things in life fall under the "shades of grey" category....you know,
subjective to the viewer or different for each individual.... but sometimes.... every once in a long while there is a black and white....a YES or NO


For instance, there is either a God/higher power or there isn't. 
No in-betweens...
You either LOVE someone or you do not. There is no such thing is "KIND OF" loving someone.
There is no such thing as "LOVING SOMEONE...BUT"
The light switch is off or on.
You are alive or you are dead.
I could continue but that would be insulting to your intelligence.

DO you think you LOVE someone?
How does this match up with the definition below?
Compare and Contrast.

Our feelings often fein that of true love ...
One often experiences "symptoms" of love when real love is not involved in the slightest.
LOVE IS NOT A WARM FUZZY FEELING IN YOUR STOMACH OR A GOOSE-BUMP WHEN SOMEONE ENTERS THE ROOM
love is also not just pure obsession
LOVE is action...
if there is no action behind the word is is a lie, a falsehood.
EXAMPLE:
If someone claims to love you but then for WHATEVER reason cuts you out of their life completely
THEY DO NOT indeed LOVE YOU at all.
Life is short and bares much uncertainty,
THE MOST important thing in the most bare boned, simple vein of existence is keeping the ones you love close to your heart.... you NEVER know when you are gonna loose them and you damn well know you only live once.
If you are OK with choosing to loose a friendship/relationship/connection with someone whom you claim to LOVE. YOU ARE A LIAR and your words hold no clout.

I BELIEVE THIS WITH MY ENTIRE BEING AND IT HAS CHANGED everything.

¹love

 noun \ˈləv\

Definition of LOVE

1

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>b : an assurance of affection love>

2

: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>

3

a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration<baseball was his first love>b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address

4

a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind(2) : brotherly concern for othersb : a person's adoration of God

5

: a god or personification of love

6

: an amorous episode : love affair

7

: the sexual embrace : copulation

8

: a score of zero (as in tennis)

9

capitalized Christian Science : god

— at love

: holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis

— in love

: inspired by affection

 See love defined for English-language learners »

Examples of LOVE

1. Children need unconditional love from their parents.
2. He was just a lonely man looking for love.
3. Mr. Brown seems to imply that when he retired he relinquished her love as casually as he dispensed with her secretarial services. —Ken Follett, New York Times Book Review, 27 Dec. 1987
4. 
   

Hell Ya...WARPAINT

Undertow Lyrics

Your brown eyes are my blue skies.
They light up the river that the birds fly over.
Better not to quench your thirst.
Better not to be the first one diving in,
though you caught me and you know why
they breathe in the deepest part of the water

What’s the matter? You hurt yourself? Open your eyes and there was someone else?
Now i’ve got you in the undertow.
Now i’ve got you in the undertow.
Why you wanna blame me for your troubles?
Ah ah ah you better learn your lesson yourself.
Nobody ever has to find out what’s in my mind tonight.

Let tonight pass us by.
Do you really want to be the one to fight?
And i said “You’re better not to light that fire.
It will take you to the darkest part of the weather.”

What’s the matter? You hurt yourself?
Opened your eyes and there was someone else?
Now i’ve got you in the undertow.
Now i’ve got you in the undertow.
Why you wanna blame me for your troubles?
Ah ah ah you better learn your lesson yourself.
Nobody ever has to find out what’s in my mind tonight.
Nobody ever has to find out what’s in my mind tonight.

Nobody in my mind. Nobody in my mind.

I feel it in my heart tonight.

I laid on the floor pressing in my eyes.
Seeing little lights.
These are the decisions that only one could make
I wanted to stay home but i went running running running running from the troubles
runningrunningrunningrunningrunningrunni ngrunning

What’s the matter? You hurt yourself?
Opened your eyes and there was someone else?
Now i’ve got you in the undertow
Now i’ve got you so
why you wanna blame me for your troubles?
Ah ah ah you better learn your lesson yourself.
Nobody ever has to find out what’s in my mind tonight.
Nobody ever has to find out what’s in my mind tonight.

Saturday Afternoon Play List....

Get Some- Lykke Li
Half a person- The Smiths
Rococo- Arcade Fire
Not in Love (Feat. Robert Smith)- Crystal Castles
Lovesick Teenagers- Bear in Heaven
Helicopter- Deerhunter
Thug Luv (Feat 2Pac) Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
Hell's Bells-Cary Ann Hearst
The Ride- David Allan Coe
Sinister Kid- The Black Keys
Never Let Me Down Again- Depeche Mode
I Cut Like A Buffalo-The Dead Weather
Bloodbuzz Ohio- The National
No One In Control-Snowden
I Can Change- LCD Soundsystem
I Wanna Be Adored- The Ravonettes
O.N.E.- Yeasayer
Undertow-Warpaint
Guys Eyes- Animal Collective 

Ambulances with Sirens Barreling Up & Down My Street Make it Nearly Impossible to Sleep...

I would smoke a cigarette right now if i had not already quit....

i found a poem on New Years Eve, one of my worst night's to date.... the "Holidays" do not become me, they are the wrong shade for my skin tone....I digress.... back to the poem.... the poem....
its point was as poignant as the tip of an arrow and it hit me like a drum.

I will share it with you now:

'Time does not bring relief; you all have lied

  Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
  I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
  And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
  But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide!

There are a hundred places where I fear
  To go, -- so with his memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
  And so stand stricken, so remembering him!?

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

You Can Murder Someone Without Ending Their Life.

Oh Polly, Pretty Polly, would you take me unkind
Polly, Pretty Polly, would you take me unkind
Let me set beside you and tell you my mind

Well my mind is to marry and never to part
My mind is to marry and never to part
The first time I saw you it wounded my heart

Oh Polly Pretty Polly come go along with me
Polly Pretty Polly come go along with me
Before we get married some pleasures to see

Oh he led her over mountains and valleys so deep
He led her over hills and valleys so deep
Pretty Polly mistrusted and then began to weep

Oh Willie, Little Willie, I'm afraid to of your ways
Willie, Little Willie, I'm afraid of your ways 

The way you've been rambling you'll lead me astray

Oh Polly, Pretty Polly, your guess is about right
Polly, Pretty Polly, your guess is about right
I dug on your grave the biggest part of last night

Oh she knelt down before him a pleading for her life
She knelt down before him a pleading for her life
Let me be a single girl if I can't be your wife

Oh Polly, Pretty Polly that never can be
Polly, Pretty Polly that never can be
Your past reputation's been trouble to me

He opened up her busom, as white as any snow.
He opened up her busom, as white as any snow.
He stabbed her through the heart,
and the blood did overflow.

Oh went down to the jailhouse and what did he say
He went down to the jailhouse and what did he say
I've killed Pretty Polly and trying to get away

Brianne and i wrote a murder ballad & played it for the first time on Saturday

These are most likely the most simplistic and repetitive lyrics I have penned to date

but also the truest and possible most personal....

"six feet underneath the ground"

Im in love with the ghost of the person meant for me

But Im trying, Lord I'm trying, I am fighting to be free

Ill bury you

Ill bury you

Ill bury you

Ill bury you

Ill bury you

Ill bury you... and run

Ill bury you

Ill bury you

Ill bury you

I WILL bury you and run

I would own your soul

I would own your soul

If you only, had one left to give

I would own your soul

I WOULD OWN your soul

If you only had one left

& guilt she's been your killer

so dead you have become

Ill bury you

Ill bury you

Ill bury you

I will bury you

Ill bury you and run

Its time to let you go now

your heart is 6 feet under

its time to LET YOU GO

The most 100 beautiful English words

Ailurophile A cat-lover.
Assemblage A gathering.
Becoming Attractive.
Beleaguer To exhaust with attacks.
Brood To think alone.
Bucolic In a lovely rural setting.
Bungalow A small, cozy cottage.
Chatoyant Like a cat’s eye.
Comely Attractive.
Conflate To blend together.
Cynosure A focal point of admiration.
Dalliance A brief love affair.
Demesne Dominion, territory.
Demure Shy and reserved.
Denouement The resolution of a mystery.
Desuetude Disuse.
Desultory Slow, sluggish.
Diaphanous Filmy.
Dissemble Deceive.
Dulcet Sweet, sugary.
Ebullience Bubbling enthusiasm.
Effervescent Bubbly.
Efflorescence Flowering, blooming.
Elision Dropping a sound or syllable in a word.
Elixir A good potion.
Eloquence Beauty and persuasion in speech.
Embrocation Rubbing on a lotion.
Emollient A softener
Ephemeral Short-lived.
Epiphany A sudden revelation.
Erstwhile At one time, for a time.
Ethereal Gaseous, invisible but detectable.
Evanescent Vanishing quickly, lasting a very short time.
Evocative Suggestive.
Fetching Pretty.
Felicity Pleasantness.
Forbearance Withholding response to provocation.
Fugacious Fleeting.
Furtive Shifty, sneaky.
Gambol To skip or leap about joyfully.
Glamour Beauty.
Gossamer The finest piece of thread, a spider’s silk
Halcyon Happy, sunny, care-free.
Harbinger Messenger with news of the future.
Imbrication Overlapping and forming a regular pattern.
Imbroglio An altercation or complicated situation.
Imbue To infuse, instill.
Incipient Beginning, in an early stage.
Ineffable Unutterable, inexpressible.
Ingénue A naïve young woman.
Inglenook A cozy nook by the hearth.
Insouciance Blithe nonchalance.
Inure To become jaded.
Labyrinthine Twisting and turning.
Lagniappe A special kind of gift.
Lagoon A small gulf or inlet.
Languor Listlessness, inactivity.
Lassitude Weariness, listlessness.
Leisure Free time.
Lilt To move musically or lively.
Lissome Slender and graceful.
Lithe Slender and flexible.
Love Deep affection.
Mellifluous Sweet sounding.
Moiety One of two equal parts.
Mondegreen A slip of the ear.
Murmurous Murmuring.
Nemesis An unconquerable archenemy.
Offing The sea between the horizon and the offshore.
Onomatopoeia A word that sounds like its meaning.
Opulent Lush, luxuriant.
Palimpsest A manuscript written over earlier ones.
Panacea A solution for all problems
Panoply A complete set.
Pastiche An art work combining materials from various sources.
Penumbra A half-shadow.
Petrichor The smell of earth after rain.
Plethora A large quantity.
Propinquity An inclination.
Pyrrhic Successful with heavy losses.
Quintessential Mose essential.
Ratatouille A spicy French stew.
Ravel To knit or unknit.
Redolent Fragrant.
Riparian By the bank of a stream.
Ripple A very small wave.
Scintilla A spark or very small thing.
Sempiternal Eternal.
Seraglio Rich, luxurious oriental palace or harem.
Serendipity Finding something nice while looking for something else.
Summery Light, delicate or warm and sunny.
Sumptuous Lush, luxurious.
Surreptitious Secretive, sneaky.
Susquehanna A river in Pennsylvania.
Sussurous Whispering, hissing.
Talisman A good luck charm.
Tintinnabulation Tinkling.
Umbrella Protection from sun or rain.
Untoward Unseemly, inappropriate.
Vestigial In trace amounts.
Wafture Waving.
Wherewithal The means.
Woebegone Sorrowful, downcast.