I watched a Horrible movie tonight.
Not horrible in a way that would fit into the typical movie critics formula.
HORRIBLE because it just personally made me feel absolutely & utterly miserable.
Which Movie this was & the mundane details of it are completely unnecessary to this post.
What does matter is the realization birthed by this film & that is the fact that
I am finally forgetting you...
NO, not in the common 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless bla bla bla easy way out' way that everyone hopes will happen if they have had their heart ripped out & run through the garbage disposal.
You are ACTUALLY fading from my memory.... & with a quickness.
Thats right... disappearing.... vaporizing into thin air.
Yet, I am completely aware that this is the case.
It's as if I am watching it happen from another room and god, is it terrifying.
I now find myself concentrating wholeheartedly just to remember the sound of your voice, the shape of your face or the way I once felt in your presence.
I am becoming more and more confused by the minute at the way I feel.
Did you even exist at all?
Why do I still feel this way?
A process reminiscent of the pattern one's brain runs through when trying to recall a word on the tip of their tongue or sing the next lyric to a song from their childhood.
It is not unlike a dream in which the details are hazy....the feelings of familiarity remain... yet pieces, vibrant & crucial pieces are missing.... like re-watching that HORRIBLE movie on a fuzzy, black and white television. Lackluster & bland at best.
Remember the scene in the Walt Disney version of Peter Pan where the viewers were encouraged to fervently clap their hands together so that poor little Tinker Bell could go from being a dim flicker of light & magically morph back into her rightful glittering, fairy persona?
You are what would have happened had no one clapped.
We all know about heartbreak, loneliness, longing, desertion & rejection.
I can hum each and every bar to the entire symphony myself...
but what of this new unchartered territory
where I can barely hang on to the memories that led to my own ultimate demise?
This magic trick has failed & i am still sawed in two
The audience has left.
They are going to call tomorrow & want their money back.
There was nothing to see here in the first place.
IT WAS ALL A MISTAKE.
All smoke & mirrors.
Now, a mere bloody torso remains.
Who is gonna clean up this mess?
Here is a paper bag to puke into.
For god's good sake....I wish I did not care.
Honey, believe me.... you. aint. worth. it.
In FACT, I don't think I ever once consciously chose to LOVE you any more then a paraplegic chooses to have useless limbs.
I used to view my love for you as an 'addiction to fight' or a 'death to be mourned'.
Now i see it more as an incurable disease that just keeps progressing.
The very thing that once awakened an unknown organ inside of me or perhaps wired my third eye open has in it's wake left permanent side effects & caused irrefutable damage.
You picked that apple off that tree and threw it as hard as you could against the concrete sidewalk and then you picked it up and did it again and again.
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