Scar Tissue & Rotten Apples- The Confusing Process of Forgetting the Person that Tore Your Heart in Two

I watched a Horrible movie tonight.
Not horrible in a way that would fit into the typical movie critics formula.
HORRIBLE because it just personally made me feel absolutely & utterly miserable.

Which Movie this was & the mundane details of it are completely unnecessary to this post.
What does matter is the realization birthed by this film & that is the fact that
I am finally forgetting you...
NO, not in the common 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless bla bla bla easy way out' way that everyone hopes will happen if they have had their heart ripped out & run through the garbage disposal.
You are ACTUALLY fading from my memory.... & with a quickness.
Thats right... disappearing.... vaporizing into thin air.
Yet, I am completely aware that this is the case.
It's as if I am watching it happen from another room and god, is it terrifying.

I now find myself concentrating wholeheartedly just to remember the sound of your voice, the shape of your face or the way I once felt in your presence.
I am becoming more and more confused by the minute at the way I feel.
Did you even exist at all?
Why do I still feel this way?
A process reminiscent of the pattern one's brain runs through when trying to recall a word on the tip of their tongue or sing the next lyric to a song from their childhood.
It is not unlike a dream in which the details are hazy....the feelings of familiarity remain... yet pieces, vibrant & crucial pieces are missing.... like re-watching that HORRIBLE movie on a fuzzy, black and white television. Lackluster & bland at best.

Remember the scene in the Walt Disney version of Peter Pan where the viewers were encouraged to fervently clap their hands together so that poor little Tinker Bell could go from being a dim flicker of light & magically morph back into her rightful glittering, fairy persona?
You are what would have happened had no one clapped.

We all know about heartbreak, loneliness, longing, desertion & rejection.
I can hum each and every bar to the entire symphony myself...
but what of this new unchartered territory
where I can barely hang on to the memories that led to my own ultimate demise?
This magic trick has failed & i am still sawed in two
The audience has left.
They are going to call tomorrow & want their money back.
There was nothing to see here in the first place.
IT WAS ALL A MISTAKE.
All smoke & mirrors.
Now, a mere bloody torso remains.
Who is gonna clean up this mess?
Here is a paper bag to puke into.

For god's good sake....I wish I did not care.
Honey, believe me.... you. aint. worth. it.
In FACT, I don't think I ever once consciously chose to LOVE you any more then a paraplegic chooses to have useless limbs.

I used to view my love for you as an 'addiction to fight' or a 'death to be mourned'.
Now i see it more as an incurable disease that just keeps progressing.
The very thing that once awakened an unknown organ inside of me or perhaps wired my third eye open has in it's wake left permanent side effects & caused irrefutable damage.

You picked that apple off that tree and threw it as hard as you could against the concrete sidewalk and then you picked it up and did it again and again.

Love’s Not the Way to Treat a Friend by Richard Brautigan

Love’s not the way to treat a friend.

I wouldn’t wish that on you. I don’t
want to see your eyes forgotten
on a rainy day, lost in the endless purse
of those who can remember nothing.

Love’s not the way to treat a friend.
I don’t want to see you end up that way
with your body being poured like wounded
marble into the architecture of those who make
bridges out of crippled birds.

Love’s not the way to treat a friend.
There are so many better things for you
than to see your feelings sold
as magic lanterns to somebody whose body
casts no light.

thanks Lucy Loo.

xo

Fuck You February 14th- I Need No More Reminders That Love is Most Often a Lie!

The way i see it is... that most things in life fall under the "shades of grey" category....you know,
subjective to the viewer or different for each individual.... but sometimes.... every once in a long while there is a black and white....a YES or NO


For instance, there is either a God/higher power or there isn't. 
No in-betweens...
You either LOVE someone or you do not. There is no such thing is "KIND OF" loving someone.
There is no such thing as "LOVING SOMEONE...BUT"
The light switch is off or on.
You are alive or you are dead.
I could continue but that would be insulting to your intelligence.

DO you think you LOVE someone?
How does this match up with the definition below?
Compare and Contrast.

Our feelings often fein that of true love ...
One often experiences "symptoms" of love when real love is not involved in the slightest.
LOVE IS NOT A WARM FUZZY FEELING IN YOUR STOMACH OR A GOOSE-BUMP WHEN SOMEONE ENTERS THE ROOM
love is also not just pure obsession
LOVE is action...
if there is no action behind the word is is a lie, a falsehood.
EXAMPLE:
If someone claims to love you but then for WHATEVER reason cuts you out of their life completely
THEY DO NOT indeed LOVE YOU at all.
Life is short and bares much uncertainty,
THE MOST important thing in the most bare boned, simple vein of existence is keeping the ones you love close to your heart.... you NEVER know when you are gonna loose them and you damn well know you only live once.
If you are OK with choosing to loose a friendship/relationship/connection with someone whom you claim to LOVE. YOU ARE A LIAR and your words hold no clout.

I BELIEVE THIS WITH MY ENTIRE BEING AND IT HAS CHANGED everything.

¹love

 noun \ˈləv\

Definition of LOVE

1

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>b : an assurance of affection love>

2

: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>

3

a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration<baseball was his first love>b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address

4

a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind(2) : brotherly concern for othersb : a person's adoration of God

5

: a god or personification of love

6

: an amorous episode : love affair

7

: the sexual embrace : copulation

8

: a score of zero (as in tennis)

9

capitalized Christian Science : god

— at love

: holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis

— in love

: inspired by affection

 See love defined for English-language learners »

Examples of LOVE

1. Children need unconditional love from their parents.
2. He was just a lonely man looking for love.
3. Mr. Brown seems to imply that when he retired he relinquished her love as casually as he dispensed with her secretarial services. —Ken Follett, New York Times Book Review, 27 Dec. 1987
4.