Scar Tissue & Rotten Apples.

i watched a horrible movie tonight.

Not horrible in a way that would fall in or out of the normal critics formula.
HORRIBLE because it just personally made me feel absolutely, utterly miserable.

The thoughts i am about to expound on were conceived about an hour or so before i began watching said film.... however, it was not until the rolling of credits that they evolved into anything close to a solidified version.

You are fading from my memory.... & with a quickness.
Thats right... disappearing.... vaporizing into thin air.
Yet, i am completely aware that this is the case.

i find myself concentrating wholeheartedly just to remember the sound of your voice, the shape of your face or the way i once felt in your presence.
A process reminiscent of the pattern one's brain runs through when trying to recall a word on the tip of their tongue or sing the next lyric to a song from their childhood.
It is not unlike a dream in which the details are hazy....the feelings of familiarity remain... yet pieces, vibrant and crucial pieces are missing.... like re-watching that HORRIBLE movie on a fuzzy, black and white television.

Remember the scene in the Walt Disney version of Peter Pan where the viewers all had to clap so that poor little Tinker Bell could go from being a dim flicker of light & magically morph back into her typical glittering fairy persona? You are what would have happened had no one clapped.

We all know about heartbreak, loneliness, longing, desertion and rejection. i can hum each and every bar to the entire symphony myself... but what is this new unchartered territory where I can barely hang on to the memories that led to my own ultimate demise? This magic trick has failed & i am still sawed in half.
The audience has left. They want their money back. There was nothing to see in the first place.
It was all smoke and mirrors and now a mere bloody torso remains. Here is a paper bag to puke in.

for god's good sake....I wish i did not care. Honey, believe me you aint worth it.
In FACT i dont think i ever once consciously chose to LOVE you any more then a paraplegic chooses to have useless limbs. I used to view my love for you as an addiction to fight or a death to be mourned but now i see it more as an incurable disease that just keeps progressing.
The very thing that once awakened an unknown organ inside of me or perhaps wired my third eye open has in it's wake left permanent side effects and caused irrefutable damage.

You picked that apple off that tree and threw it as hard as you could against the concrete sidewalk and then you picked it up and did it again.

Love’s Not the Way to Treat a Friend by Richard Brautigan

Love’s not the way to treat a friend.

I wouldn’t wish that on you. I don’t
want to see your eyes forgotten
on a rainy day, lost in the endless purse
of those who can remember nothing.

Love’s not the way to treat a friend.
I don’t want to see you end up that way
with your body being poured like wounded
marble into the architecture of those who make
bridges out of crippled birds.

Love’s not the way to treat a friend.
There are so many better things for you
than to see your feelings sold
as magic lanterns to somebody whose body
casts no light.

thanks Lucy Loo.

xo

Fuck you February 14th, I need no more reminders that Love is most often a lie

The way i see it is... that most things in life fall under the "shades of grey" category....you know,
subjective to the viewer or different for each individual.... but sometimes.... every once in a long while there is a black and white....a YES or NO


For instance, there is either a God/higher power or there isn't. 
No in-betweens...
You either LOVE someone or you do not. There is no such thing is "KIND OF" loving someone.
There is no such thing as "LOVING SOMEONE...BUT"
The light switch is off or on.
You are alive or you are dead.
I could continue but that would be insulting to your intelligence.

DO you think you LOVE someone?
How does this match up with the definition below?
Compare and Contrast.

Our feelings often fein that of true love ...
One often experiences "symptoms" of love when real love is not involved in the slightest.
LOVE IS NOT A WARM FUZZY FEELING IN YOUR STOMACH OR A GOOSE-BUMP WHEN SOMEONE ENTERS THE ROOM
love is also not just pure obsession
LOVE is action...
if there is no action behind the word is is a lie, a falsehood.
EXAMPLE:
If someone claims to love you but then for WHATEVER reason cuts you out of their life completely
THEY DO NOT indeed LOVE YOU at all.
Life is short and bares much uncertainty,
THE MOST important thing in the most bare boned, simple vein of existence is keeping the ones you love close to your heart.... you NEVER know when you are gonna loose them and you damn well know you only live once.
If you are OK with choosing to loose a friendship/relationship/connection with someone whom you claim to LOVE. YOU ARE A LIAR and your words hold no clout.

I BELIEVE THIS WITH MY ENTIRE BEING AND IT HAS CHANGED everything.

¹love

 noun \ˈləv\

Definition of LOVE

1

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>b : an assurance of affection love>

2

: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion <love of the sea>

3

a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration<baseball was his first love>b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address

4

a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind(2) : brotherly concern for othersb : a person's adoration of God

5

: a god or personification of love

6

: an amorous episode : love affair

7

: the sexual embrace : copulation

8

: a score of zero (as in tennis)

9

capitalized Christian Science : god

— at love

: holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis

— in love

: inspired by affection

 See love defined for English-language learners »

Examples of LOVE

1. Children need unconditional love from their parents.
2. He was just a lonely man looking for love.
3. Mr. Brown seems to imply that when he retired he relinquished her love as casually as he dispensed with her secretarial services. —Ken Follett, New York Times Book Review, 27 Dec. 1987
4.